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The Laboratorio at GROM

On Columbus Circle, in the Laboratorio behind the register

white-coated Dotoressas of science and physiology

mix extracts of fruits and spices

harvested from their Sicilian orchards

combining them with organic milk

flown in from Tuscany

and a few drops of San Pellegrino.

You can understand why even small amounts of GROM are expensive.

They say that late at night,

after they close,

the serious white-coated Dotoressas remove their horn-rimmed spectacles

and put aside their microscopes and loupes

and wet-and-dry bulb thermometers

They empty their pipettes

and autoclave the tongs and spatulas

and apply a few drops of Princess Marcella Borghese from the nearby Sephora

to rid themselves of the smell of vanilla from Agrigento

and turn the Laboratorio into a spa to make extra money.

New York is expensive, even when you sell ice cream at $6 a scoop.

After cleaning the giant aluminum mixing tubs

with steaming jets of distilled Pellegrino

the Dottoressas


health consultations

mineral baths

and prescriptions

wrapping willing customers in hot GROM sheets

as they cool down after immersion in the tubs.

The Dottoressas

have very advanced degrees from Bocconi

and say the traces of GROM

in the tubs

relieve pain and stress

and strengthen the immune system.

At 6am they shut the place and leave

tossing their lab coats into the common laundry bag.

They get a cup of coffee and a glazed at Dunkin Donuts

check their email at Fedex Kinkos

and read about the latest advances in nutrition on the GROM listserv.

Then they go home and try to sleep

before their next shift.

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